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"When we consider that women are treated as property, it is degrading to women that we should treat our children as property to be disposed of as we see fit." Elizabeth Cady Stanton



Tuesday, 11 December 2012

A Quick Hello and Update :)

Hello everyone,

So my blogging has been VERY very sparse lately. I really apologize, but I have been going through a lot in the past few months. Long story short, there has been a lot of negativity in my life for a very long time - negativity over where I am (grad school can do that to you - I try not to worry about this), negativity over missing home, and negativity in how I see the world. So a few months ago I decided to take some control. I took a look at my life, and tried to figure out where my awful feelings were coming from.

One thing that I noticed was that for awhile now, a new view had started creeping into my consciousness. I started seeing everyone around me in a new light. Instead of loving them for who they were, and taking them as they are right now, I started focusing way too much on the wrongness of their views. And lets face it, I'm at a Canadian university, which means that pretty much every single person I meet is pro-choice. It really takes a toll on you, and a toll on how you can relate to others, when you stop seeing people as flawed and instead see them as wrong. So I stepped back from my blog, and I stopped spending ages reading pro-life news (though I've stayed pretty active on my Twitter account). And I finally realized that I wasn't seeing other people as wrong per se, but I was actually seeing myself that way and was comforting myself by thinking "Well, at least I don't think that abortion is a good thing". And why was I telling myself this? Because, in all honesty (and I am very ashamed of this, which is perhaps why it took me so long to admit to myself), other than this blog and the odd debate with a friend or family member, I don't really do much to forward the pro-life cause. I don't attend rallies. I'm not part of my school's pro-life group. I've never gone to March For Life. I don't volunteer at a Crisis Pregnancy Centre. But as soon as I realized that I was actually feeling awful about myself, I started being afraid. And the more I thought about being pro-life the more terrified I became. Every time I met someone new I was worried that they would hate me because I am pro-life - and this is strange, because I have never, ever in my life before this point cared about what others thought of me. This part of the negativity was coming from the pro-choice side of the debate and all the blame and anger and terror that I see there. I was starting to view the average person, who is only pro-choice by default, as a pro-choice activist and someone who would immediately start hating me if they knew my views. So I knew I had to take a break from all of this - both to get myself in line, and to get my views of the people around me back to a healthy and normal place.

Therefore, my absence. 

My other sources of negativity I can't do much about. I need to finish my degree before I decide what to do with my life, and I'm stuck far from home until I finish my degree. I think my main worry here is that I love doing my PhD and I LOVE the work that I do, but ultimately my goal in life is to be a stay at home mom - and after spending so much time reading pro-life blogs I've become exposed to how sahm's are treated by the mainstream, and I've started feeling as if my friends and family would never accept my life's choices once I started a family, even though I have told them that I want to stay at home with my kids and everyone has seemed supportive of it (but really, I secretly think that they have lost their respect for me because I'm degrading myself by one day aspiring to be a homemaker). So you see, again, a source of negativity that I thought had to do with my circumstances, but instead has to do with reading too much on the internet.   

So, as I said before, I decided to take charge. I stopped blogging - or at least blogged much less. I focused more on school. I made a commitment to go to church at least twice a week, and I have mostly kept it. Things are looking up. My next step, once I have all these new habits down, is to start volunteering again. And once that has happened, I will start blogging regularly again. Hopefully by that point, I will have my life under control and I will be a strong person so that imersing myself in the pro-life movement won't take such a toll to the point that I am no longer able to sympathize with those who's minds I am trying to change. And maybe then I will be braver and more able to speak with eloquence and compassion about why abortion is wrong.

Oh, and unless I'm stuck working on an experiment, I will be at the March for Life this year. Hopefully I get to see some of you there!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know why I've been away for so long. You have all been so amazing, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your comments, follows (both here and on Twitter), retweets, and prayers. Thanks and I will be blogging lightly again within the next week or so, so see you all then!

Me :)